Films are great.

It’s funny how often I’m interested in things where other people around me are otherwise apathetic.

In circles, if you bring up how much you enjoy something it is (more than) often met with “I don’t really care for it,” “I haven’t watched it in years,” “That is terrible,” “Garbage,” “It just doesn’t interest me,” to name a few.

Maybe I’m guilty of it myself (because that kind of stuff rubs off on a person) but it’s discouraging enough to never want to bring anything up, if only because you know it doesn’t matter to them.

Sure it’s things like Youtube Channels, or even recently the Olympics. But those are the kind of things that don’t bother me. I imagine I’d be a wreck if I were insulted about no one loving winter as much as I do.

But it usually bums me out when people get snarky about Oscars. They don’t watch because it’s boring, the judges are bullshit, Old white dudes, they’re all just jerking each other off. The politics, criticisms, controversies that surround the night are convoluted to me, but I always see the light at the end of the tunnel, that is these people really do love what they’re doing, and all of these films are amazing in their own way.

When I was a child, I always dreamed of something like that. I figured many years from then, I’d be among peers that loved making films, loved telling stories of all kinds. But I was naive. I knew it was never going to be that easy, because as much as my parents loved and supported me, they never encouraged me to dream.

I never told them I wanted to move to Vancouver until I got accepted into Film School. I had a reason to go that they couldn’t talk me out of because I was accepted to go. For a year and four months I experienced a roller coaster. Going in with pep in my step and coming out the other end emotionally bruised.

I had an agent, I went on auditions, But I was naive then too.

Yet, I stuck true to myself and never stopped being creative. I wrote many shorts, Features, pilots. Maybe they were all dumb, but it didn’t matter, I had things under my belt. I just never knew how to go about doing any of it.

I guess that’s the funny thing about being an introvert.

It got worse when I felt the best thing that ever happened to me, was suddenly taken away.

For a very long time, I couldn’t create.

Not for lack of trying, I had plenty of opportunities to pick myself out. I did fun projects with groups of people have helped me be me, working on a fun but brief panel show, just messing about with a video camera, I wrote a story over the summer to cope, and I even went back to school.

These are things I wanted to do, because I knew I had to.

I found love in things that I always knew I did, but I got to do it again as an older person. The kind of stuff that I feel has become harder to express to others, because I’m accustomed to believe they do not care.

“I want to tell you about this podcast I do, and I hope you listen and enjoy it, even if what is being said has no interest to you at all. I also set up a patreon if you would like to support.” is a tremendous hurdle, but it’s a beginning.

“Here’s a bunch of videos that we’ve done for this podcast I do. It’s easier to swallow than an hour long of audio. But I think you agree that it’s done rather well, I went to film school you know.”

I was never good at elevator pitches, because I have a habit of being honest about my work. What good is the work you’re doing if you can’t be honest?

“It’s a patented thing I like to call ‘doing well badly,'” is something I’m sure was going to slip out of my mouth at my last job interview.

Of course modesty is my greatest weakness, and probably lay it on a little thick.

At some point, I have become grateful for the people I’ve come to know, and return that gratefulness in thankless ways. (which can really wear a person down.) I usually feel as though they grow beyond me, which does make me feel proud, but in reality I’m sad.

I know in my heart there’s more for me to do. So why do I keep stopping to let others get in line before me?

On December 31st, of 2017. I tweeted out that I “want to do more things again, and not feel unsure about them,”  which has been a challenge so far (it’s March). But watching the Oscars has got me thinking, lead me to writing this blog.

I should not worry about the things that nobody else cares about even if, at times, feeling alone on them is a heavy burden. I want to surround myself with those that I know want to work on things, and will encourage me just enough to see it all through.

And maybe I’m shouting on a soapbox on an empty field, but I should have this blog in front of my face everyday, I should get back into the things that I truly care about, and I should start.

I mean, if anything… I’m tired of being naive.


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